I'm not intending this post to be a big ol' "woe is me" post, but this is what is on my heart right now and my blog is my heart journal of sorts and I'm hoping that in time, I can look back and see growth (hopefully!)
I'm at a place in my life where I feel I can't do anything right. I'm in a "funk" so to speak. My house is a mess, my time with the Lord is severely lacking and I've disappointed my mother to where she told me that I've ruined her holiday season. I'm also having to step down (of my own choice) from my ministry of discipleship and mentoring because at this stage in my life, I just cannot emotionally invest in other young women because I feel my own life is so crazy, I can hardly keep myself together. I think the other hard thing for me is that after four years of being able to live my dream of being a stay at home wife, I'm now back in the work force. It's only a part-time retail job but it's still hard to give up my dream. I know it's only for a season, but it's still hard.
I can probably chalk up this funk I'm in to the fact that I haven't spent any quality time with the Lord in weeks. I've read the Bible in bits and pieces, but my once rich and intimate prayer life has definitely fizzled out. I know the Lord is there, patiently waiting for me to come back to him, but for some reason, it's hard for me to sit at His feet. Deep down, I have to admit that I think I'm angry with Him. There, I admit it... I'm angry.... and hurt and frustrated and just plain tired of this chapter of my life. I hate that in order to get to the next chapter, my beloved husband and I have to be separated for some time. I hate that I have to dig up my deep roots here where I am and move far away from everything I've ever known... And I hate that in order to be obedient to His calling in the life of my husband and I, that it's breaking the heart of my parents, who I love so much and even at 30 years old, I still desire their approval.
I know that this change will be a good thing. God has called us to it and there will be blessings for being obedient, but I'm just not ready to accept it. I'm terrified that maybe we have heard God wrong and He doesn't want us to move. I'm terrified that we will pack everything up and move, only to have more disappointment and heart ache in the end, but this time, I'll be alone because we've moved away from everyone. I'm to the point that so much bad stuff has happened to us in these past five years, I'm only expecting more bad to happen. I've lost all hope.
I know this is not the type of post you'd expect on the eve of Thanksgiving, but this year, I'm really struggling with finding things to be thankful for. I know there are good things around me, but tonight, the bad outweighs the good and I'm dreading tomorrow.
Lord, you say your mercies are new every morning... I'm desperate to see them. Please give me something... anything to show me you are near. I'm just not feeling it right now.
