When Life Just Doesn't Pan Out The Way You've Hoped

I'm not intending this post to be a big ol' "woe is me" post, but this is what is on my heart right now and my blog is my heart journal of sorts and I'm hoping that in time, I can look back and see growth (hopefully!)

I'm at a place in my life where I feel I can't do anything right. I'm in a "funk" so to speak.  My house is a mess, my time with the Lord is severely lacking and I've disappointed my mother to where she told me that I've ruined her holiday season.  I'm also having to step down (of my own choice) from my ministry of discipleship and mentoring because at this stage in my life, I just cannot emotionally invest in other young women because I feel my own life is so crazy, I can hardly keep myself together.  I think the other hard thing for me is that after four years of being able to live my dream of being a stay at home wife, I'm now back in the work force.  It's only a part-time retail job but it's still hard to give up my dream.  I know it's only for a season, but it's still hard.

I can probably chalk up this funk I'm in to the fact that I haven't spent any quality time with the Lord in weeks. I've read the Bible in bits and pieces, but my once rich and intimate  prayer life has definitely fizzled out.  I know the Lord is there, patiently waiting for me to come back to him, but for some reason, it's hard for me to sit at His feet.  Deep down, I have to admit that I think I'm angry with Him.   There, I admit it... I'm angry.... and hurt and frustrated and just plain tired of this chapter of my life.  I hate that in order to get to the next chapter, my beloved husband and I have to be separated for some time.  I hate that I have to dig up my deep roots here where I am and move far away from everything I've ever known... And I hate that in order to be obedient to His calling in the life of my husband and I, that it's breaking the heart of my parents, who I love so much and even at 30 years old, I still desire their approval.

I know that this change will be a good thing.  God has called us to it and there will be blessings for being obedient, but I'm just not ready to accept it.  I'm terrified that maybe we have heard God wrong and He doesn't want us to move.  I'm terrified that we will pack everything up and move, only to have more disappointment and heart ache in the end, but this time, I'll be alone because we've moved away from everyone.  I'm to the point that so much bad stuff has happened to us in these past five years, I'm only expecting more bad to happen.  I've lost all hope.

I know this is not the type of post you'd expect on the eve of Thanksgiving, but this year, I'm really struggling with finding things to be thankful for.  I know there are good things around me, but tonight, the bad outweighs the good and I'm dreading tomorrow.  

Lord, you say your mercies are new every morning... I'm desperate to see them.  Please give me something... anything to show me you are near.  I'm just not feeling it right now.

Keep Your Heart

Keep your heart will all vigilance, 

 for from it flow the springs of life.

 Proverbs 4:23

As I have mentioned in a past post, the Lord is working in my heart.  I have to admit that it's a slow process as there are years of heartache and bitterness to melt through.  As the Lord and I work through this process together, I've realized a few of things. 

One-  I am not spending enough time immersing myself in God's Word and meditating on His promises for the sole purpose of  getting to know God and His goodness.- I have been reading my Bible, but lately it's been for a women's Bible study I'm involved in or I've been reading it to make myself feel better about our current situation.  It's basically been self focused Bible study, not God focused Bible study.

Two- My satisfaction in life has been dependent on my circumstances, not on God and his goodness-  Or to put it another way, I'm drowning in idolatry.  I've let my heart dwell on and find satisfaction  in my social status, my earthly possessions, my housing situation and many other things that are selfish.  When I rely on these things to make me happy, I only end up miserable and yes, bitter and I fall into the "woe is me" trap because my life is not what I think it should be.  Anything that pulls my focus off of God and on to myself is idolatry and as I said above, I'm drowning in it.

Three- My heart is capable of so much evil.- Mark 7:14-23 describes that it's not what goes into a man that defiles him, but what comes out of him that defiles him for evil things come from within (my paraphrase).  As an offspring of Adam and Eve, the inclination of my heart is only evil all the time. Yes, I have the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, but there is a daily battle between my flesh, and the Holy Spirit.  If I'm not immersing myself or meditating on God's word, my flesh wins.  As I mentioned on point number one, I'm not doing that, so guess who is winning? 

To put it plainly, I'm not keeping my heart with all vigilance as Proverbs 4:23 says to do.  But what does it mean to keep your heart?  Well, I've been reading a book by a pastor named Joe Thorn and this is what he says about keeping our hearts:

‎"To keep your heart means that your focus and work is on maintaining communion with God and pursuing the transformation that only God can accomplish in you. It is not performance-based religion, nor the moral improvement of your life, but the ongoing work of cultivating love for God and hatred for sin. It is the unending effort of guarding ourselves against idols while resting in the promises of the gospel."- Note to Self by Joe Thorn

This is my goal right now.  My goal is to cultivate a love for God by maintaining communion with Him and hating my sin of idolatry.  I need to rest in the promises of the gospel, and let God to the transforming.  I cannot transform my own heart. That is something only God can do, but it is my responsibility to be intentional in spending quality time seeking out God and coming to Him with a broken, contrite heart instead of a puffed up heart, seeking Him only for my own gain.

I'll finish this with one last quote by Joe Thorn:

"...The heart is what God is primarily interested in- Hearts that are broken over sin,  healed by God's forgiving grace, and consequently filled with love for our Redeemer God."- Note to Self by Joe Thorn  

P.S-  I know this  really isn't a homemaking post, per se, however I feel as wives and mother's it's so important to watch our hearts since, as Jesus says in Mark 7, what comes out of our hearts is what defiles us.  If we don't stay diligent in keeping our hearts, who knows what may come come out of them when we hit a difficult circumstance and we have such a strong influence over the tone of our homes.

It's Been a Long, Long, Time...

I cannot believe how time has flown. I didn't think it had been so long since I took a non intended blog break, but here it is, halfway through October and I've finally had a chance to sit and write.  

There is so much going on I don't even know where to begin.  I think I mentioned in a past post that my husband and I are making steps to move across the country and the time is coming closer to just take that step of faith and move.  There have been so many closed doors where we are now and the last door is about to close at the end of this month.  My husband's part-time job at the church is ending and since that was his main stable form of income, we are taking that as a sign from the Lord that it's time to move on.  

So what's the plan now?  Well, after much praying and searching scriptures and seeking out wise counsel from our mentors, the plan is that sometime in November, my husband will move first.  We have some friends and family in the city where we plan to go and he will couch surf while he plans to make his full time job, looking for a full-time job. The plan for me?  Well, at this point, I am looking for a seasonal part-time job to help pay our bills while he is looking for work.  Thankfully, we have absolutely no debt and I will be moving in with my best friend and only have to share a portion of utilities and food, so our bills will be really low.  The other benefit is that my best friend has a full time job and she's going to school for her master's program, so I can help with household chores and cooking so that she can focus on her schooling. We are praying and hoping that he will find a job by the beginning of the year. Once he gets a job, he will find us an apartment and them come back and get me.

At this point,  I'm a bit conflicted.  While we are so excited to see what the Lord has for us in our new city, the only part I don't like about this whole plan is being apart from my husband for a couple of months.  In the grand scheme of things, a couple months is nothing, but I'm really not looking forward to him being so far away.  

I am trying to stay positive, so another way I'm looking at it is it's like we will be newlyweds all over again!  We are basically starting over as our own unit so it will be fun to be reunited and re-settle in our new home.

So that's the scoop for now.  Things may change, but the more time we spend in prayer over this, the more we feel this is the right thing to do.  Keep us in your prayers, please!!!

Only One Man Has Saved Us

As I'm sitting here drinking my tea, I'm reflecting on the powerful speeches that were just given by some big names in the Republican convention.  Many of these speeches pointed to the one man who could change this country for the better, who could set the tone for a political reformation, and who could save us from the mistakes of our current leadership.

While I believe that they really think that the Republican nominee for president could actually make some positive changes, my heart was stirring because there is one Man who could do all of that.   This one Man made radical changes while he walked here on earth and he continues to make radical changes in the lives of those who open their hearts in response to His calling.  This one Man, Jesus Christ, has the power to radically change this country like we have never seen it before and all we have to do is share and be open about what He did on the cross and how that mighty act of grace has affected our lives.  

When you stop and think about it, do you really live your life in reflection of the cross?  Can the people around you see the power of Christ's death and resurrection as you go about your life?  I'm honestly talking about myself here as I feel convicted in the fact that I tend to gloss over the most powerful event  in history.  The "Easter Story" is not just for Easter, it's for every day life.  We need to daily remind ourselves that because of Christ's torturous death (that was really meant for us) and resurrection, we have been cleansed from all sin.  ALL!!!!! If that doesn't make you leap out of your seat and jump for joy, I don't know what will?  

I guess what I'm trying to say here is that we should be walking around every day living in the JOY that comes from our salvation and that joy will spread to others and with Christ, we really can change this nation for the better.  It is one thing that God has promised:

Psalm 33:12- "Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord, the people whom he has chosen as his heritage."

2 Chronicles  7:14- "If my people who are called by my name humble themselves, and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven and will forgive their sins and heal their land."

Invade (Tour of My Nest)

Come, come in
Invade all You see of us
Any man, who'd walk Your road is welcomed here
And You're the only one

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house
Tread this place and turn it inside out
With Your mercy...

Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors
Until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors
And let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms
Jesus invade...

Reach, reach in
With the hand that heals all our suffering
Conquer all that is not of You

Bring Your spirit throughout

As we fill these walls with Your praise

Jesus, come and walk the halls of this house

Tread this place and turn it inside out

With Your mercy...

Jesus, teach us the prayers that open these doors

Until Your light floods in and illuminates these floors

And let Your truth be on our steps and in these rooms

Jesus invade...

"Invade" by Watermark.
Yep, this is the little studio we are renting as we are in a time of transition.  It's small but I love it (plus it only takes an hour to thoroughly clean!!)  We are now in a time of preparation and we feel God calling us to relocate to another State. Please be in prayer with us while we figure out all the details. We're not even sure yet when we are moving, we just know it's gonna happen and we are both terrified and excited! 
  

    

My Household Mission Statement

About a year ago, I read a few homemaking blogs that mentioned creating a household mission statement in order to set the tone for their homes.   I loved that idea and I began to pray about how the Lord would have me manage our home to the best of my ability and I came up (with the help of my husband) with my household mission statement.  I did well in following it for a few weeks, but I stuck it inside my home management binder and put it up on my bookshelf. Out of sight,  out of mind.

I recently cam upon my mission statement again and I realized how far off track I got.   I am wanting to post it here so that I can have a reminder and maybe even some accountability when it comes to following this statement.

Household Mission Statement  

My ultimate goal is to live my life looking first to the founder and perfecter of my faith, Jesus Christ, as I lay aside all my hindrances of selfishness, laziness and pride and run the race the Lord has set before me- The race of being His daughter, wife to (Husband's name) and shepherd to those He has put in my path.  To work towards this goal;

* I will daily come to the Throne of Grace and commit myself to His good work in my life.

* I will lovingly submit to my husband's loving and God given authority over me and I will strive to be his perfect helper and not to hinder him in any way.  I will deny my selfish desires daily in order to put his needs above my own and I will continue to prayerfully strive to have the gentle and quiet spirit which is precious to the Lord.

* I will strive to take care of myself as I am the temple of the Holy Spirit.  I will make healthier decisions as far as my food and exercise in order to have a more active lifestyle.  Through taking care of my physical needs, I will have more energy to devote to the needs of my home and those the Lord puts in my path.

* I will strive to manage our home in the most efficient way possible, creating an atmosphere of peace, rest and refreshment.

*I will strive to stay connected to the Holy Spirit and His leading in order to encourage and lead those he puts in my path through the various ministries I am involved in, both in and out of church.

Hebrews 12:1-2- Household Scripture. 

My prayer is that this keeps my focused on the important things God has place in my life; My relationship with Him, my husband, my home and my ministry. All in that exact order too.

Learning to Love

"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either  merit or sense."- Jane Austin- "Pride and Prejudice"

I can actually really relate to this quote.  Deep down, I'm really not a loving person and the longer I have lived, the more unloving I have become.  To some people who know me really well (the few I have let in), it's not a surprise but if you only know me through surface relationships, it may come as a shock.  In a recent church small group, I openly admitted that it's really hard for me to love people and it takes a super long time for me to trust someone enough to be real in front of them.  

The thing is, the people in my small group were shocked because on the surface, I am really friendly with many people and even yesterday in church, a woman was glowing over me because she just feels the love of the Lord pour out of me.  If she only knew...  

If she only knew how I am cynical and critical of everyone and everything... 

If she only knew that I don't trust anyone, even her because I fear that people are nice to me in order to get something from me... 

If she only knew that I practically run out of the door after church on Sunday, just to avoid talking to people (I really dislike small talk!) and I was annoyed because she caught me just before I exited the building... 

If she only knew that in reality, I'm inclined to dislike someone right away before ever getting a chance to really know them.  That was my defense mechanism growing up. I figured no one liked me anyway so I would dislike them first before they had a chance to hurt me later on. (I really did have a hard time Jr. high and high school with the typical girl back stabbing. One instance was so bad, my mom actually pulled me out of one school and placed me in another.)

If she only knew how much her glowing report convicted me because deep down, I know I'm not as loving as she thinks I am...

I'm beginning to think that the Lord is working on thawing my cold, cold heart.  The past couple of months I have been convicted on my less than loving attitude and He has moved me to tears as He has revealed to me ways in which I have been unloving towards others.  I was recently reading in John and stopped on Jesus' command to others to love one another:

This isn't just a request, it's a demand. One that I have to admit is tough for me.  You see, what Jesus is saying here is not that we just love one another.  He is calling us to love each other as HE has loved us.  Jesus has loved us with the most sacrificial love and we are to love others in the same way.  Jesus was the ultimate example of God's love toward us in that while we were still sinners and enemies of God, Christ died for us! (Romans 5:8)  So even though I have the propensity to immediately assume that people don't like me, or are using me, I am called... No commanded, to love them anyway.  As Christ followers, we are to be that same living example to those around us.  Not only to those in the church,  but to unbelievers as well.  

As I said above, this will be very hard for me.  Please pray with me (and my real life prayer partners) that the Lord softens my heart as I forgive those who hurt me in the past  and to break down the wall of bitterness that surrounds my heart.  I am feeling such a strong pull from the Lord to love others as He has loved me and I need to be obedient to this calling.  

I'll close with this quote from Oswald Chambers that struck my heart:

"The knowledge that God has loved me to the uttermost, to the end of all my sin and meanness and selfishness and wrong, will send me forth into the world to love in the same way.  God's love to me is inexhaustible, and I must love others from the bedrock of God's love to me." 

August Reading

I love to read.  I'll just about read anything I can get my hands on (within reason) and I've been working on reading more Biblical non-fiction instead of fluff novels so that I can really gain a firm knowledge of Theology and I can defend my faith more readily.  I still enjoy an occasional fluff novel, but more and more my husband and I spend our time reading more edifying material.  

One of the problems I face is while I love to read,  I get distracted by other things and my books get set aside in favor of other things (the internet, a movie, etc.)  I am hoping that if I blog about what I'm reading it will hold me accountable and I can actually finish a book in a reasonable amount of time.  I can't tell you how many times I have had to start a book over because I set it aside for way to long.

Here is my list of books for August:

Death By Love by Mark Driscoll- While he may be controversial to some people, my husband and I have him to thank for getting us back on the right track with the Lord.  This book chronicles Christ's death on the cross and how His substitutionary death is relevant for all aspects of our life.

Idols of the Heart by Elyse Fitzpatrick-  I love Elyse Fitzpatrick. I've heard her speak many times and I can't get enough. I loved her book "Because He Loves Me" and I'm excited to dig in this one.  At the heart of every sin lies idolatry and it's important to identify what our idols are so that we can crush our habitual sins and live joy filled lives content with the path our Savior has us on.

Manual of Christian Doctrine by Louis Berkhof-  This is actually one that will take me awhile to go through.  My husband and I are actually studying this book one chapter at a time each week.  This is an abridged version of Berkhof's Systematic Theology so we don't want to rush this one.  My husband went through this book with our pastor and a couple other guys at church (they call themselves "Dudes of Doctrine")  and he was excited to go through this with me.  All I can say is I've done one chapter so far and it's DEEP.  I mean, really deep.

Lastly, I will read something just for fun.  I have really enjoyed The Hunger Games series by Suzanne Collins and I was able to borrow the third book in the trilogy, Mockingjay from my niece.  I most likely won't post about this since several other bloggers have already done so, and way better than I could.  

So that's my reading list for the month.  I'm hoping to get through one book a week, with the exception of the Berkhof one.   We'll see how disciplined I can really be!

A Much Needed Reminder

"During those many days the king of Egypt died, and the people of Israel groaned because of their slavery and cried out for help. Their cry for rescue from slavery came up to God.   And God heard their groaning, and God remembered his covenant with Abraham, with Isaac and with Jacob.  And God saw the people of Israel- and God knew." Exodus 2:23-25

This passage was a part of my Bible reading the other day and was exactly the what I needed at the moment.  While I'm not living as a slave, there are times I feel as if I'm a slave to my circumstances and with that feeling comes a sense of hopelessness and all I can do is cry out to God to rescue me from what I'm dealing with right now.  

There is immense comfort in knowing that my life is in the hands of an amazing God who hears me when I cry out to Him, who remembers me when I feel forgotten, who sees me when I feel invisible and who knows what I'm going through because He sent His son to live an earthly life and also experienced trials and hardships. I'm not ignored or forgotten and that gives me such peace in the midst of my trials.  This is also a wonderful reminder for me during this time of waiting.

When I cry out to Him because I'm worried about an up and coming life change, He hears. 

When I am about to throw in the towel because I feel forgotten and hopeless and feel that God has forgotten His promises to me, He hasn't forgotten. He remembers. 

When I'm a sobbing mess in the middle of my bed feeling invisible because my prayers seem to have gone unanswered (or in the real case, the answer is wait and I'm impatient), He sees. 

When I'm lost and confused because I don't know what God's plans are and I don't know what's going to happen in the near future, He knows.

Most of all, He's there.  He's there to comfort me in the midst of tears.  There to remind me of His promises and there to lead me in trusting Him because even though I have no clue what's going to happen, He does.  He has everything planned out and I need to trust Him and know that no matter what, everything is going to be fine because God has ordained everything and His ways are perfect.  Always.

A Bit of a Delay

Of course when I feel it's time to get back into blogging,  my internet is down and I'm unable to post!!  It is fixed now, but I'm headed into a crazy busy weekend and I won't have time to post anything substantial until Monday.  I do have some ideas spinning in my head so hopefully I can begin to post regularly next week!

Until then, have a wonderful weekend!

Building A Sanctuary

"Few things we can do in this world are so well worth doing as the making of a beautiful and happy home. He who does this builds a sanctuary for God and opens a fountain of blessing for men."- J.R. Miller

One of the reasons I wanted to get back into blogging, is hopefully to restore the joy in homemaking.  The past year, I have found myself getting into this rut of only doing the bare minimum I could get away with and the end result lately has been stress.  There's been no planning, no organizing and no focus.   I need to get back to the idea that as a homemaker, my job is to create a welcoming sanctuary for all who enter, especially my husband.  He doesn't have the greatest job in the world, so it would be nice for him to come home after a stressful time at work and have a quiet and comfortable place to rest where the presence of the Lord is always there and always felt.

When I think about homemaking that way, it's easier for me to put aside my selfish desires and work hard at creating the right atmosphere.  This is my job.  I need to be as committed to this job as I was when I had a paying gig.  Just because I "work from home" now,  it doesn't give me an excuse to shirk my duties and run off to the next fun thing just because I can.  

When I worked outside of the home, I had a strict schedule, a detailed calendar, a fantastic (if I do say so myself) organizational system of all the jobs I had going on at the moment and I could tell you exactly what project was working on and every single detail that it had.  Now, I couldn't even tell you the contents of my refrigerator if you asked me and don't even ask if my husband has a clean dress shirt to wear for a party we are attending  next week.  I need to use the organizational talents that the Lord has given me and use them to build a sanctuary. I've been home for three and a half years now and it's time for me to get serious about it.  

I love the quote I posted above because  it puts things into perspective for me.  My purpose in being a homemaker and creating a beautiful space is to glorify God alone and that will overflow into a peaceful sanctuary for my husband, me and whoever else enters our home.  This week, I will work to the glory of God and get back on track and treat my job at home as the best job on the planet, because it is!!

I'll be meditating on this verse as I create my sanctuary this week:

"And whatever you, in word or deed, do everything in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God the Father through Him."- Colossians 3:17

Ten Years Ago Today...

I said "I do!" to the man of my dreams. 

As I rewind to 2002, I see this twenty-one year old girl so full of hopes and dreams.  Dreams of a house full of children and living this... Leave it to Beaver type existence, Somewhere that's Green.  Hopes of a husband who serves the Lord faithfully in all he does and leads us in daily devotions and family worship time. Selfishly, I admit, I also hoped that by this time we'd be doing well financially and living in our dream home.

But ten years has past, and my life is not at all like what I'd hoped or dreamed.  By God's grace it's better and we took a mighty hard road to get to this place.  In 2002, we got married and started to live a "keeping up with the Jonses" lifestyle.  We bought a house right away and went through two new cars because it's  what all our friend's were doing.  By 2004, we were in debt and I couldn't even imagine quitting my full time job because we couldn't afford it.  Not only did we both work full time, we both worked over time, which led us into this survival cycle of just doing the bare minimum to survive because we were so exhausted. 

Instead of being a stay at home wife who cooked wonderful and wholesome meals, I was an over worked, stressed out mess who relied heavily on restaurants and fast food because I was too tired to cook. I also took on the unhealthy habit of chain smoking because it gave me a reason to take a 10 minute break every hour at work.  We stopped going to church all together because Sunday was our only day that we didn't have to work and we slept the day away just to catch up on the sleep we missed during the week prior.  On top of that, forget children!  Life was so hectic, the thought of adding kids to the mix was just too overwhelming.  We did this for four years and finally in 2008, God got a hold of us in a way we never saw coming.  We both got laid off on the same day.  

The next few years was definitely a time of refining for us.  Jobs came and went for my husband and even for me.  Even while my husband was still unemployed,  I quit a job I took on because we felt strongly that the the Lord wanted me home.  We received much criticism for that decision, but we don't regret it at all. Even though we have lost much, including our home, we have grown closer to the Lord and even closer to one another. I guess being together every day for two straight years during unemployment will do that. 

All this to say that as I look back on the young girl who had no clue what she was getting herself into,  I am thankful that God has led us down the path of hardship because it has made me the woman I am today and for that, I'd say "I do" all over again. 

To my husband, I love you even more now than I did on our wedding day and I'm also thankful that God has created you into the man of God I prayed for many years ago.  I am so excited too see where the next ten years will lead us! 

Anonymity

There's comfort in anonymity.  The thought that I can post my thoughts and share my heart without fear of questions by people I know is quite freeing.  You see, I've blogged in the past. I've never been a popular blogger, which is not my aim, but I shared my past blog with those who share life with me and I knew that as soon as I hit the "publish" button, I would get texts, e-mails and phone calls from friends and family saying "you really think that?"  It got quite annoying so I stopped blogging all together for awhile and then shut down my blog completely.

I don't think anyone really missed me, but I missed blogging.  I missed sharing in a community of like minded women who wouldn't question me for quitting my job in order to be a keeper at home. I missed being able to share my thoughts on being a conservative, Christ following woman without fear of being labeled a hateful , narrow-minded bigot by people who I thought were friends and I missed sharing my thoughts of being a Godly, submissive wife with other women who understand the importance of such a high calling. 

So here I am. Back in the blogging saddle, though somewhat anonymously.  I hope to share on everything from being a Godly, submissive wife and homemaking, to sharing my heart and the testimony of what Jesus has done for me, and still does in my daily life as I live with a heart fully submitted to Him.