"There are few people whom I really love, and still fewer of whom I think well. The more I see of the world, the more I am dissatisfied with it; and every day confirms my belief of the inconsistency of all human characters, and of the little dependence that can be placed on the appearance of either merit or sense."- Jane Austin- "Pride and Prejudice"
I can actually really relate to this quote. Deep down, I'm really not a loving person and the longer I have lived, the more unloving I have become. To some people who know me really well (the few I have let in), it's not a surprise but if you only know me through surface relationships, it may come as a shock. In a recent church small group, I openly admitted that it's really hard for me to love people and it takes a super long time for me to trust someone enough to be real in front of them.
The thing is, the people in my small group were shocked because on the surface, I am really friendly with many people and even yesterday in church, a woman was glowing over me because she just feels the love of the Lord pour out of me. If she only knew...
If she only knew how I am cynical and critical of everyone and everything...
If she only knew that I don't trust anyone, even her because I fear that people are nice to me in order to get something from me...
If she only knew that I practically run out of the door after church on Sunday, just to avoid talking to people (I really dislike small talk!) and I was annoyed because she caught me just before I exited the building...
If she only knew that in reality, I'm inclined to dislike someone right away before ever getting a chance to really know them. That was my defense mechanism growing up. I figured no one liked me anyway so I would dislike them first before they had a chance to hurt me later on. (I really did have a hard time Jr. high and high school with the typical girl back stabbing. One instance was so bad, my mom actually pulled me out of one school and placed me in another.)
If she only knew how much her glowing report convicted me because deep down, I know I'm not as loving as she thinks I am...
I'm beginning to think that the Lord is working on thawing my cold, cold heart. The past couple of months I have been convicted on my less than loving attitude and He has moved me to tears as He has revealed to me ways in which I have been unloving towards others. I was recently reading in John and stopped on Jesus' command to others to love one another:
This isn't just a request, it's a demand. One that I have to admit is tough for me. You see, what Jesus is saying here is not that we just love one another. He is calling us to love each other as HE has loved us. Jesus has loved us with the most sacrificial love and we are to love others in the same way. Jesus was the ultimate example of God's love toward us in that while we were still sinners and enemies of God, Christ died for us! (Romans 5:8) So even though I have the propensity to immediately assume that people don't like me, or are using me, I am called... No commanded, to love them anyway. As Christ followers, we are to be that same living example to those around us. Not only to those in the church, but to unbelievers as well.
As I said above, this will be very hard for me. Please pray with me (and my real life prayer partners) that the Lord softens my heart as I forgive those who hurt me in the past and to break down the wall of bitterness that surrounds my heart. I am feeling such a strong pull from the Lord to love others as He has loved me and I need to be obedient to this calling.
I'll close with this quote from Oswald Chambers that struck my heart:
"The knowledge that God has loved me to the uttermost, to the end of all my sin and meanness and selfishness and wrong, will send me forth into the world to love in the same way. God's love to me is inexhaustible, and I must love others from the bedrock of God's love to me."
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